hey guys! I`m Bree and I finally recently realized that I am anorexic , which if you know me you know it isn`t a huge surprise.
This has been very hard to realize and I still dont want to believe it but I am sick and tired of feeling like crap every day, not having any energy and looking like a skeleton.
I am making this blog for anyone else who might be struggling, you are not alone, and also to help others understand what a horrible disease anorexia is and how hard and hurtful it is. I am going to tell the truth and some of you might not like it, this isnt a pity party for myself this isnt a depressing story to make you feel bad for me, its just the truth. Everyone has struggles in their lives, many bad highschool experiences and anorexia just happen to be mine.
I have always had body image issues, in elementary I didn`t like to wear shorts because when i would sit down it looked like my thighs were huge! what 4th grader thinks that?!
And when I was in Intermediate , when I would wear tighter shirts I would try to "suck in" so it looked like I was skinnier.
High school is when it got really bad, especially my senior year, during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters I had no friends and there was absolutely NO way I was going to eat lunch by myself so I didn`t eat at all, I did homework in the library and every day I would worry that the library would be closed that day and I would have no where to go and on those days, sometimes I ended up being the loser hiding out in the bathroom waiting untill lunch was over or sewing in mrs.jessops., just finding somewhere. High school was a horrible time for me . Lost all my friends, got treated like crap by boys , horrible untrue rumors that were spread about me, it wasn`t exactly the best time in my life. Before I graduated people would tell me that I would miss highschool and that I would wish I was back.... that might be true for some people but not for me, I dont miss it one bit.
I started feeling like crap alot this year and we didn`t understand why ( I hadn`t realized that i was anorexic yet). My mom took me to the doctors ALOT because nothing was getting better and she knew something was wrong with me but the doctors always just told us that I was fine and that I will just always be small, but my mom knew better.
I have had quite a few medical problems, my thyroid doesnt work and i will have to be on medication for the rest of my life and i got surgery on both of my hips in 4th grade and after i didnt take my thyroid medication for a month and started feeling even more like crap , super emotional and just overall crappy and my doctor did some tests and my thyroid levels were unbelievably high! so i had to go get an MRI and we found out that I have a growth on my pituitary.
My anorexia has been going on for a very long time , i just never wanted to admit that there was something that I was doing that was hurting myself.
I went and got an assessment from a therapist in logan to see what kind of treatment i need and we found out that I need residential treatment, so i will be living at a treatment center and have a team helping me to get better. we are just trying to figure out insurance stuff right now and waiting for a spot to open up at Avalon Hills in logan. The finances are really stressful , its probably going to cost me about 6 thousand for treatment and then my insurance will cover the rest so i have to try and sell my car and probably not go to school for awhile . I had to take a medical leave for school because i could be leaving at any time even though this semester ends in may.
In high school was when my anorexia was really bad, my weight was in the low 90`s . I worked at Maddox Drive in as a Car hop and people would tease me all the time about my weight, especially customers , there was a regular customer that would come into my section and tease me about my weight and ask me when i ate last and that he would come back and bring me their leftovers so that i would be able to eat.
Guys would decide they didn`t like me anymore because I am just too skinny and he couldnt take it anymore.
At my job now , residents and people i work with ask me how I`m so skinny. When i first started working there one resident asked me if i had an eating disorder, of course I said no at the time. I was so hurt and offended that she would even ask me that.
People think its so great to be this skinny, i have had people tell me how great it would be if they were like me. wrong.
This disease is deadly and most people dont realize that, You could be fine one day and have all your test results come back fine but that doesnt mean anything cause your body pulls all our nutrients to your core to keep you going. your heart could be fine one day and then not wake up the next. Your brain shrinks because its not getting enough nutrients cause it all goes to your core so it makes it hard to understand and learn , that especially sucks in college and is why i havent been doing very well in my 2nd semester. . Headaches ALL the time! Stomach pains that make you want to not eat even more. crazy emotional and irritable all the time , so no its not at all that great.
I think one of the reasons i have this illness is because it was the only thing i felt like i could control because i couldnt control anything else but now i realize that this is not "control" it is out of control.
I wanna get better, i want my mom and dad and family to stop worrying and to have their healthy normal me back. Its going to be hard, but it will be worth it. I cant wait to be healthy and normal so keep reading and help me along this hard journey.
thanks for the support, the support i have gotten so far has been unbelievable! thanks for reading :)
